“If you are in love with someone, but you question your compatibility, you need to ask yourself what types of issues you are incompatible about,” psychologist Nikki Martinez tells Bustle. “Are they deal-breakers, or are they minor concessions that you can live with never agreeing on?” Before jumping to conclusions, it’s wise to figure out where you stand first.
“If it is the first, you might be better suited being honest with yourself about what is fundamentally important to you, and what you should be looking for,” she says. “If they are the latter, think about if you need to look at your own rigid thinking and feeling, and if this person is more important to you.” Deal-breakers are real, but it’s also possible to overthink these things. Once you know what’s really going on, then you’ll be ready to decide what to do next.
“No two people are going to see eye-to-eye on everything,” relationship coach and psychic medium Cindi Sansone-Braff, author of Why Good People Can’t Leave Bad Relationships , tells Bustle. “If the disagreements are about small things, and you can come to agree to disagree about them or compromise about them, then there is hope for the relationship,” she says.
Like Martinez, though, Sansone-Braff says that deal-breakers are not possible to work through. “If the issues are major, because you really don’t see the world at all the same way, not morally, financially, sexually, and intellectually, then this would be a deal-breaker, and ending the relationship without drama and trauma should be your goal,” she says. “Remember, you don’t have to hate someone to leave him or her.” You can love them and still accept it’s not going to work.
“Resolving incompatibilities, learning to work with differences, is often the core of a really successful relationship,” Tina B. Tessina, aka Dr. Romance, psychotherapist and author of How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together, tells Bustle. Though you’ll never agree on every single level, you will have to learn how to compromise with your partner. From there, see what happens.
“If you can’t work it through, you’ll know the relationship is a bad idea,” she says. And feel free to pipe up and tell your partner what’s on your mind. “If you think a particular question is going to mess up the relationship, then mess it up right away,” she says. “You need to know what happens when you disagree.”
If you want to get ily, it may be best to rethink your relationship if you’re incompatible. “Don’t marry them,” life coach Kali Rogers tells Bustle. “Other than that, it’s totally up to you. Not everyone is in a rush to walk down the aisle and sometimes it’s fun to date someone who might not be right for you in the long run. If you know that marriage is next on your to-do list, move on,” she says. “Long-term relationships are difficult enough to maintain, and being incompatible is a sure-fire way to end up separated.”
“If you love someone and you’re incompatible, chances are you haven’t felt the pain of a failed relationship yet,” New York–based relationship expert and author April Masini tells Bustle. “Those who have will want to try and avoid that in the future, which means dating smart.” If you’re in a relationship that has the potential to fail, be very careful as to how you proceed.
“Love is grand, but just because you love someone doesn’t mean you should a) date them, b) marry them, or c) live with them,” she says. “You can love people and be incompatible – and when you realize that just because you have a feeling doesn’t mean you should act on it, then you can go to the head of the Maturity 101 class. You’ve graduated to smarter relationship behavior.” In the meantime, if you’re already dating someone who is incompatible, it’s best to face the reality of the situation right away if you’re looking for something long-term.